Leaving home

So, I am three months into my trip and it has been an emotional and sometimes even mentally straining rollercoaster.
And in those three months I have seen and done some pretty awesome things.
I have worked with elephants and seen what can only be described as the "backstage" of elephant tourism, where I had a baby elephant cry after me because she just wanted to play. I've hopped on the back of a guys motorbike to the endure a 7 hour ride through the mountains of Thailand (with my massive bag on can I add). I've witnessed some pretty amazing sunsets; two of which being particularly special. One in Kratie where I spent it playing in the river with two Khmeur children, one of whom gave me a dead fish as a gift. The other one being in my favourite area of Phnom Penh; the garden between the Royal Palace and the river, where the sun sets over the palace and local Khmeur families and monks go to end their day. I've hulahooped over looking Pai. I've canyoned in Vietnam. I've been to one of the Seven Wonders of the World and made up the history of it because we were too cheap to hire a guide. I've swam with cows. I've experienced the despiration of Cambodia on a bus ride to Vietnam; I was two seats away from a woman who was very sick to the point where I truely believe she was dying, sat with her family clearly heading to a hospital in Saigon, an unfourtunately common practice in Cambodia since the healthcare is so bad; something I would describe as eye opening as apposed to awesome, of course. I've shared a three hour bus journey with a goat in a bag. And I have met the friendliest most wonderful cow, who loved her belly being rubbed, kissed me a lot, and followed me when I went to leave because she just wanted some hugs.
I have met some awesome people who its safe to say has made my life better just knowing they exist. I've had some pretty sad goodbyes, but also some pretty lovely reunions.
But the one thing I've been contemplating the most is the colossal amount of time I'm going to be doing this.
It's strange because when most people leave home they go to university, which is essentially leaving home for a few months at a time but always knowing you will be coming home for Christmas and the summer to see your family and friends from home. I on the other hand never had that; I never went to uni because the concept of commiting to one city and one subject just didnt make me happy. Everyone else was so excited to go and I just didnt really seem to care all that much about going. I wanted to see the world, and thats exactly what I'm doing. However what was originally going to be an 8 month trip has now evolved to a trip which could easily be up to 4 years. I have left home with absolutely no intention of coming back for Christmas or any plans to see my family.
I'm not going to experience the gradual, more common, way of leaving home. I've just essentially cut myself completely from it.
I'm not going to see my best friend for 3 years. Lydia and I have always been inseprable, described as gaggling geese and Japanese school girls because of how much we laugh together and I'm not going to have that for 3 years.
I am only 20 years old so when I come home I'm going to look different, I might even speak different. I might even be somewhat unrecognisable to my parents.
The next time I see my sisters one is going to be almost 20 herself and the other will be 16 and I wont see the transition. When I get home theyre just suddenly going to be people. Like actual people.
I'm not going to have Christmas with my family, and I'm not going to celebrate and birthdays with them. My friends are going to do a bunch of cool shit without me and celebrate their birthdays without me.
Its a bizarre concept, one that I am struggling with, not in terms of because I'm sad but just because it's so fucking weird. And as well i didnt originally plan on leaving for so long; maybe I would have done some better goodbyes if I had known it would be the last goodbye for years as appossed to months.

But its ok. I'm leading the life I've actually wanted to lead for a very long time; since I was 17 in fact. People say I cant have known what I wanted to do and more specifically who I wanted to be at such a young age of 17 but its 3 years down the line and for the unforeseeable future, this is how my life is going to be lead. Moving, constantly moving, living on the road out of a bag, because I dont need much else. With a lack of things because things drag me down.
My only real aim in life is to have a nice time. So thats what I plan on doing. And its working so far. So thats nice.

Up North with the lovely Delaney

Since we were both heading up north on our lonesome, Delaney and I decided to do some exploring together. We caught a very unnecessarily highly air conditioned bus from Surin straight to Chiang Mai. Chiang Mai was what neither of us expected; Delanely expected a smaller town like city with not much going on, I on the other hand expected more skyscrapers and modern vibes - since Chiang Mai we were told means "new city" - both were wrong assumptions, the city somewhat meeting in the middle of what we thought. Most of the time, I sadly have to admit, we were looking for a ping pong show, out of genuine interest having heard stories of dart throwing and even bottle opening (yes, that is apparently possible). We failed since the city no longer "allows" ping pong shows for the obvious reason of it being a bit too vulgar; they do however have quite a few brothel-esque go-go bars, filled with seedy 50+ westerners. Thats ok though. (So I guess if you're up north looking for a ping pong show, it wont happen, best bets are Bangkok and Phuket. Just a little advice).
However we did have a very strange experience with a southern American man with a baseball cap and a 70s pornstar tash which told us the best place to go is StarXix where "the girls and boys do some crazy shit". We arrived at this bar which is a 10 minute walk away, to find the crazy southern american already there. With a plastic bag in his hand. He beckoned us forward, pointed to the bar and said in a hushed voice "aah you made it! It may look closed, its only to avoid the police from shutting them down, but you can just go in and see some crazy shit. I came here for a different reason. Have fun kids", then melted into the distance. We dont know how he got there before us. We dont know what was in the plastic bag. We just don't know. I don't think anyone knows. And I'm guaranteeing his potentially very real wife back home doesn't know. What we do know (or more accurately guess) is what he was going to do that night. Grim.
So Chaing Mai was a strange experience to say the least.
We then caught the bus to Pai, a drive which I could only describe as sublime; beautiful windy roads through the mountains, sheer drops of so many feet only really made dangerous by the crazy Thai style driving of "fuck it I'm getting there first".
Pai was pretty strange, a small village of no more than I'm going to guess 20,000 residents (thats a wild stab in the dark, don't take my word for it at all). And honestly not what I thought it would be like at all; filled with travellers for a start. Since its so small, I was expecting it to be simply a tiny Thai village with a few markets and wats, a relaxed vibe with a couple handfuls of travelers. However all sorts of travelers from far and wide had arrived for various reasons. A lot of people who had turned up because of the reputation of being a small "hippie" village - the same as me - a few who had turned up for a couple of days and just hadn't left, and of course a couple who were there just to party. Pai was actuallly the place I first got sexually harassed in Thailand, which surprised me since Pai's reputation is simply "chill". This neanderthals was a stereotype; white - either Bristish or American - vest top, tribal tattoos, whose body language consisted of a lot of chest puffing. He grabbed my face, forced me to kiss him then went a laughed with a group of friends, which surprisingly consisted of two girls. The point of this story is, yes Pai is chill, but you will come across someone who just doesnt understand the concept that "Pai is chill".
Other than that, my time there was great. I stayed at Pai Circus Hostel, met some wonderful like minded people, hulahoopers, slackliners and such, and spent my days hulahopping and my nights with the people I had spent playing. The bus journey back was less than ideal. After three mini bus journeys being squished on the back seat in 30 degree heat, I was extatic to be placed in the front seat with Delaney; it really is the little things when you're traveling on as little money as possible. We had leg room! We should have guessed things weren't going to be as perfect as we thought when Delaney was placed in a seat which was sodden with a questionable liquid. The day we left, the weather decided to go all British on us; cold, grey and raining. Which would not have been an issue however a very inconsiderate woman sat on the very front seat next to the driver decided to get travel sickness, so needed the windows open. What followed was three and a half hours winding through the mountains, windows rolled down getting rained on. And not just any rain either, that horrid, what us British call "wet rain". The rain which somehow manages to be fine yet dense and soak you through to the soul. I was sat by the window, getting most of the spit and Delaney was sat trying to control her queasy motion-sensitive stomach and burning feet in what could have easily been piss.
We arrived at about 7 in the evening, both giving up on our further travel plans and spent one more night together in Chiang Mai.
It's a shame we had to go our seperate ways but we had fun with what we did do; we even got tattoos together in Pai. Thanks for traveling with me, Delaney you dark challanger you, I'm sure our paths will cross again soon.

If you really want to experience Asian elephants go volunteer in Surin

Ladt week I spent 7 days volunteering at The Surin Project in Surin, Thailand which is on the East border of Thailand, next to Cambodia. When looking into interacting with elephants I wanted to make sure that whatever I was doing wasn't causing any harm since when animals come into the picture, humans tend to have a tendency to act superior and like we can do whatever we please. I scanned a short article which mentioned the physical reasons why riding them was bad for them, so decided to chose a project which specifically mentioned how they did not allow riding. I chose the Surin Project and it was honestly the best decision I made nit only because of an incredible week with incredible people but because of the education which came with it.
The project is in a village called Ban Ta Klang, also known as elephant village. A village with families, houses (on stilts) and gardens (with elephants in). The village has around 200 elephants only of which 11 are in the project. The whole basis of the project is too educate mahouts who feel like punishment is the best way to train an elephant and to put an end of unethical elephant tourism.
For me, I feel like it was the rawest way to experience elephant tourism, because what I saw was the truth. As a person, I find lying the most cowardly way to live your life. People like to lie to themselves either because they can't handle the truth, or because they want to do something  selfish. And in the case of the treatment of animals in general I feel like people lie to themselves for both reasons. So for me, to go to an area where you see how the elephants are being treated when they're not being riden, at a show, performing at the circus was truely one of the most hard hitting, eye opening and honestly slightly life changing events.
On the first day, Eva a woman who was definitely the most passionate person volunteering at the project, showed me a video of the phajaab, a training technique to "break the elephants spirit". For two weeks of more the elephant is literally tortured to the point life long depression. And honestly from observing some of their behaviours and knowing how intelligent they are, I wouldn't be surprised if they had some form of post-traumatic stress disorder; also known as "shell-shock".
This is why the elephants are so obedient, its not through love, its not through enjoyment, its not through a special bond with their mahout, its because they are terrified.
The elephants we saw who were not on the project were underfed - some to the point to could see their rib cages - who would reach out for food when people, or trucks full of sugarcane would go by. They would shake their heads continuously and self soothing motion, something that I noticed as soon as I arrived; now I'm not an animal expert but it doesnt take a genius to see that wasn't right. Which, by the way, they do use as a begging technique; playing music so when the elephant is distressed it looks like its dancing.
Anda was the only elephant I saw and/or met that had true character; bearing in mind all the other elephants on the project were older and somewhat rescued from the situation they were in so have been through the phajaab. She was truely heart warming and honestly the one rock I had which gave me hope when being in a village surrounded by suffering. She really was juwt a big puppy. And she was obedient, not through fear or because she felt forced to but because she loved her mahout. When it comes to animals, to have one obedient through love is so much more impressive than one through fear; Anda is the example the village needs to prove that they do not need foul treatment for obedience. Comparing Anda to the other baby elephants who had gone through the phajaab was heart breaking. None of them had the cheekiness of Anda. They self comforted, cried, pulled at their chains, we even saw one be repeatedly hit on the back of the head with a metal hook as "training reinforcement".
So I beg of you, if you ever travel to Asia, do not ride an elephant. Avoid to do anything which promotes this kind of treatment. Like I said before, humans have a tendency to lie to themselves.  Now the information I have given you has been vague and based on what I physically saw however this is a continent wide thing, however if you have read this then you are now more aware than you were before. With this kind of information, with a lack of ignorance the question of "what kind of person are you going to be?"
When given the opportunity to ride an elephant, will you boycott it knowing the trauma the elephant is being put through for your amazing half hour experience sat on its back, or will you lie to yourself and justify your actions? I attempted to justify why I was at Tiger Temple, however within minutes of walking through the gates there was no doubt it was wrong,  and it felt horrible.
Elephants are intelligent and self aware and understand what theyre going through. Elephant tourism is not right.

Yay

So it has been approximately 25 hours since my plane left London airport and the from that moment it took off my head cleared. Every little thing which has made my head feel somewhat stuffy basically since birth disintegrated into nothingness and the nothingness which has been left can only be described as the most pleasant form of airheadedness, if there is such a thing.
But of course, because its me, it hasnt exactly gone according to plan. And it's only the first day.
When the plane was landing in Bangkok I had this feeling that something was about to go not exactly ideally but pushed those thoughts aside as simply the classic thoughts of "well a tornado full of sharks is going to attack right now, and I'm going to die before I actually live my dream". (I may have watched Sharknado: The Second One recently).
Everything went smoothly until I felt rather queasy when in line for my approval. In need to vom I went to the toilets to hear another girl wretching in the cubicle closest. So I was a nice person and threw up with her to let her know she wasnt alone.
I then went on to find out my bag was not in Bangkok. It was most likely in China which would have been fine if, you know, I was in China.
Of course. Classic.
If I were to be a worrier I would have stayed there for hours longer checking and double checkong but at the end of the day the clock was ticking and I was not goi g to spend New Years in an airport (which had air hostesses perfoming what I can only assume was semi-popular Thai chart music since there was a middle aged balding man singing along). I needed the city.
One hour later I arrived at Kao San Road, a popular area for tourists. And mysterious fortune telling men who take you down alley ways and eerily accurately guess what number or word you have written or thought of.
I spent probably 2 hours attempting to find my hostel however the pretty flashing lights, men in feather bikinis and a general crowd of gurning faces was all too distracting. The hostel situation was sorted pretty quickly when I actually tried but it was a liberating feeling being in a foreign country having no belongings and no idea where I was meant to be sleeping.
And then i went back out. After asking a funky Thai man wearing a Bob Marley shirt, bunny ears, sunglasses and an eye patch if I could take his picture I dont really know what happened. But I managed to get drunk for free, dance with a wonderful collection of people who melted into the night, and get the most awesome photographs I've ever taken.
I havent been to sleep in probably 40 hours and have to force myself to stay awake for my bag which should be arriving shortly. I havent really eaten but don't worry mom I've drank plenty of water.
I'm currently lead on my bed - which probably isnt usually all that great but at the moment I'm on a cloud - listening to some clearly white American "lads" in their early 20s talk about how much cocain they did last night.
I think I'm gonna like it here.

There are a lot of cats too.

It's Just A Ride

Since I'm currently suffering from somewhat of an existential crisis, for many personal reasons and from just observing the world we should collectively be considering to be our one and only home as a species, I thought it was relative - to me anyways - to post probably the most inspirational clip from any stand up show. His name is Bill Hicks and as you'll see from his stand up is that he is not only a comedian, but a philosopher who has a very deep thought process which questions the standards that we as a species live by.
"Don't worry, don't be afraid; it's just a ride"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iMUiwTubYu0

The future

Since exams are coming up, and this is the end of our education, people are preparing to enter the "real world" as "adults" like to call it, I would just like to express my excitement not just for my future but everyone else's. The thought that a lot of people I know are about to go their own ways and experience life the way they want - whether that be by going to university, travelling, working - thrills me in such a way that I have such hope for the future, not just for me but for everyone I know. The thought that these same people will probably become a rarity in my life doesn't sadden me, but excites me; they're going to grow and change and experience and be. As someone who believes that life is a rollercoaster - thanks to Bill Hicks - I couldn't be more excited for them. 

The Illusion of Free Will

Wow.
Well this is interesting.
This is a lecture by Sam Harris, explaining his theory that free will does not exist, and to be honest it does make a lot of sense. I have always been a believer that people are the way they are for a reason, whether it be nature or nurture, the truth of the matter is, you do not chose who you become and Harris articulates this perfectly. However he takes it a step further saying "you do not chose what you chose" - this implies thinking of what you were going to chose before you actually thought it. (He explains it a hell of a lot better than that, I promise). 
Take a generic psychopath; there is scientific evidence to suggest that the neurological mechanisms in a psychopaths brain are different to that of a "normal" - not normal...stable - person. They did not chose that. Plus all the nurture variables, such as childhood and traumatic life events; people do not chose that either. And you can put it into perspective by looking at it like this; you did not chose your parents, just like Bin Laden's children did not chose theirs (the poor bastards). 
And I personally prefer this way of thinking. It promotes a more empathetic view and in many ways humanises people. 

Any ways, here is the lecture. Watch it if you're interested. It's only 1.20hrs long.